diary

"Tell me she savors your glory
Does she laugh the way I did?
Is this a part of your story?
One that I had never lived
Maybe one day you'll feel lonely
And in her eyes, you'll get a glimpse
Maybe you'll start slipping slowly
And find me again..."

epilogue ~ im not proud of who i used to be but i am proud of how much i've changed. this whole site disgusts me. its a reminder of the damage ive done to myself and to many others. 20k views. im embarrassed for whoever this "dwollly" chick is am i right????? never heard of her b4 lol. prob just another internet freak. (im being sarcastic ;D)oh well . . . but in all seriousness, ur perceptions of the girl i used to be no longer matter. im free :) i hope u feel free too. byebye now!

oct.11.22

im 17 now. also therapy is interesting.

oct.4.22

:3

oct.1.22

"ill be in denial for atleast a little while,
what about the plans we made..."
we were supposed to get married and move to canada, get a chocolate lab and name it faggles, have two kids and pick out names for them that started with L because thats what ur last name starts with. I was supposed to be urs.

sep.28.22

im so happy ek3kekekkekeke

sep.27.22

"But something keeps on tellin' me
It keeps on tellin' me
"Peep, leave it alone, I'm good on my own."
i dont even need a guy or anuthing. like sure me and this guy r still talkjing but we're just friends and based on what hes told me thats all its gonna be, atleast for a while. i need to learn to be comfortable on my own.

sep.25.22

the 2nd of october is in exactly one week :/

sep.23.22

i think im finally ready to stop being "that crazy girl". i want to heal and continue being happy :) i never want this feeling to end!

sep.20.22

"So go and buy another puppy like it's brand new
You don't love me like I love you
I'll rot away in the pup-puppy pound
But I'm a fucking tiger in a damn zoo
What is it that you can't see in me?
Is it too much that I'm being me?"
i hate having to change or adapt myself to people. like oh my god dude so u like my face but my personality and overbearing psychotic episodes arent ur style? fuck off im done masking for u. im happy how i am and ur not going to come into my life again thanks !!

sep.19.22

"I cant handle rejection, stand my reflection Damn, no one gets it" ik thats such an overused lyric but damn. its like, i genuinely hate feeling rejected. ill go out of my way to seek validation from ppl for no reason other than bcuz i crave it, but when i dont receive it i just want it that much more. and when i never get it from that person it drives me insane. like ik im pretty and im worth so much but also ive been constantly shut down by ppl my whole life, i recieve most of my validation from myself without even realizing. its even turned into when ppl hate me, its validating. like they hate me bcuz im pretty or bcuz im worth it. it makes me seem so obnoxious but when u grow up like that its amazing how ur brain changes its function to protect itself... shits crazy!! but tbh id rather be this way than hav let everyone get to me, its like, sure its a major flaw but its allowed me to be who i am without caring as much what other ppl think, cuz if they hate me or think im weird it must be bcuz im better yk??

sep.16.22

im perfect. just think about it. my life is so much fun im so happy and literally its all falling into place im so happy

sep.15.22

i love how counselors r so just misinformed abt situations and decide to tell kids parents abt stuff they have so much wrong info on...

sep.14.22

it feels so good reconecting w m true friends and not giving a fuck abt anyone else

sep.13.22

learning to be my own source of validation ...

sep.12.22

ur dark hair, which i used to look for so eagerly in the halls;
now has these chunky highlights in them, theyre cute but i jump at the sight;
ur warm eyes are now glassy and cold, u glance at me like im a monster;
did i, really do this? did i, really cause this?
u lie and say u never cared, but youve always been an obvious lier;
6 times is alot for not caring.
;
i knew u were a bad idea;
it should have been obvious, when u so proudly told me;
how u were narcissistic, how i was "perfect", we were alike, i thought;
u say im manipulative? u dismiss my FEELINGS as attempts to guilt u;
u call my emotions immature, ur done caring for me and my problems?
but, 6 times is an awful lot for not caring.
...
sometimes i wonder what changed. if it was my own inability to see the problem and fix it in time. this isnt the first time ive been too much to bear. but i wish someone would be straight up and tell me before it becomes absolutely unlivable... give me a chance to fix things?? i do regret certain things that were done. its so sad seeing u hate me. u think i want to ruin ur relationship? no i dont. i want u to be happy and any harm that comes to ur relationship bcuz of this isnt on me anymore. its on u. u had the chance. u had 6 chances to say no, to stop and think about the long term effects. maybe im just irresistable short term, but long term all u want is to get away from me. fine. ur not the first or last person ill have to let go. its just so bitter bcuz youd call me your "bestfriend", which would always shock me. u said u wanted to be friends after u graduate, u confided in me and i always tried my best. but remember, any negative effects that result from what happened between you and me is not and will never be my fault. its ur burden to bear now.

sep.11.22

i dont know what to do or where to put my feelings.

sep.9.22

"Oh, dear diary, I met a boy
He made my doll heart light up with joy
Oh, dear diary, we fell apart..."

sep.8.22

ur the only thing i can seem to think of.

sep.6.22

im getting into sewing, baking, and readingggg!!! new hobbiessss omgg

sep.5.22

letting all the people who were closest to me but needed to get away from me leave was the hardest thing ive ever had to do.

sep.3.22

why r ppl so fake. like dont pretend to be m firend, lie to m face, then go lie abt things i said?? u know the stuff i went through so ur the very last person i expected this from but i guess youll do anything for validation from the very same people who were making fun of u just last year. its pathetic. u know for a fact i hav not been in the right head space for a bit and u also know for a fact that im doing better now and im actually happy now... so do u just not wanna see me doing better? well if its attention u want ur not gonna get it from me anymore.

sep.2.22

"On sunny days I go out walking I end up on a tree-lined street I look up at the gaps of sunlight I miss you more than anything"
...
The second of every month is always hard for m. This one is especially hard bcuz ik ur with her. u know i dont mean those cruel things i say. and while theyre coming out of my mouth the other half of me is screaming bcuz ik i shouldnt be saying it, im trying so hard to change but its gonna take a while. i cant stand the fact ur with her right now. im just having to block it out i refuse to acknowledge it. have fun okay. i still care for u so much im so sorry.

aug.31.22

gonna b his daughter.

aug.27.22

if i ever get therapy and it turns out i wasnt the victim all along thats gonna suck...

aug.26.22

im sleepy.

important2

i wish that girl would leave me alone, i dont even talk to that guy in m personal finance anymore but i keep hearing scary things shes doing that relate to m.

aug.25.22

im not going to the game bcuz m friend got grounded.

school update (aug 24)

the football game is themed splash zone. i am so excited and im lookin for dresses for homecomingggg!!! omggg okay i might try to find a boy to go wif bcuz that would be so fun.. but i dont really need a boy in order to go bcuz imma be wif friends. but yeaaaa and ill update yall wif what imma be wearing to da gamee but m school life is going pretty good. i got dress coded today tho.. but tons of girls complimented m and then b4 i got dresscoded this guy complimented m socks :D he was sortof cute even.. maybe ill find out who he is!! yesterday m friend told m hallway crush's friend that i thought he was cute LOL idk if anything will happen bcuz of it but we always make eye contact and stuff so maybeeeee eek!!!

aug.24.22

idk what to do. its like m life is split into 2 bits. m school life is so happy an i hav so many new friends but m online life is all mixed up and such yk? like half of it is positive and the other part im just tryna move on from. OMG BUT FRIDAYS M FIRST FOOTBALL GAME IM SO EXCITED

aug.23.22

im going to m first ever football game dis friday wif m friend omggg

to people ik irl:

due to people ik irl apparently taking the stuff i say on here way out of proportion, im not talking about guys or personal stuff alot on this cite anymore. its crazy how ppl take innocent teenage fun and then make me into a psycho vilian. i am a normal teenage girl. like genuinely if ur an adult especially one from m school leave me alone. its so frustrating. this website was made so i could deposit m thoughts wifout being judged and now yall r calling in people and asking them about me based on the small amount of info u gather from m cite?? it adds so much stress on to me and makes me feel paranoid and like im being watched 24/7. THIS IS WORSENING M PARANOIA, which i already struggle wif. stop. i was literally improving mentally until all these problems started. please. OH ALSO IM NOT TALKING TO THE GUY FROM PERSONA FINANCE U KEEP ASKING PEOPLE ABOUT SO YEAH U DONT HAVE TO WORRY ANYMORE >_<

aug.22.22

im not even gonna bother wif dis dude anymore. found out he hung wif her yesterday. ick i don want a guy whos hanging wif other girls...on to da next man!!!

aug.21.22

i cant believe he cut m off again.he needs time to cool down.

aug.20.22

m ex cut contact wif me again..
...
laterrrr and i got m flip phone. i can only really call and text on it and take photos.... but it only has 4 gb :/ (if u diont know why i got a flip phone its cuz i got m phone taken ugh)

aug.19.22

its 5:40 am anddd i just showered after staying up all night updating m websitessss!!! so happy to see personal finance guy today!
...
"So, I don't blame you
If you want to bury me in your memory
I'm not the girl I ought to be, but
Maybe when you tell your friends
You can tell them what you saw in me
And not how I turned out to be.."
...
just found out hes talking to another girl so uhm yea. turns out the girl is a sophomore in one of my classes..?
...
wow so that girl gave m da death stare as soon as i walked in class and talked about m so loud i could hear it from da opposite side of the room. she kept calling me psycho and crazy. also her friend saw me looking at her and then like stared at me laughed and went to tell her about it so i know for a fact they were talking about me. grow tf up... butttt on brighter news i made 1,2,3,...4 new friends today !! all of them being female !! so ive made like 20 new friends this school year and its only been 2 weeks :D im so proud of myself !

aug.18.22

today was a good day !! i might get a flip phone dis weekend lol! alsooo i sat wif personal finance boy at lunch today!!

aug.17.22

miss m ex :(
!!later!!
yall dis guy in m personal finance is so sweet stoppp

aug.16.22

YALLLLLL i made a new frienddd ;)

aug.15.22

im ok.

aug.10.22

i am slaying <3 !!!

aug.9.22

i drive everyone away.

aug.8.22

first day of school :) i think i look pretty...

aug.2.22

i am not doing well at all mentally. i am so drained.

july.30.22

work = for men

july.24.22

i hate m parent.

july.9.22

i look in his eyes and thats where i find a glimpse of us....

july.8.22

dw guys ur fav girlblogger is alive and well!!!

june.25.22

if i could marry u right dis second i would. hearing u say im doin better makes m feel so motivated an im hoping i can be perfect for u again. if of cours youll take m back one day lol.

june.24.22

i <3 my ex :(

june.21.22

why do i keep making such fucked up decisions?

june.20.22

Now that its done, he was the one; He was the one that was worth my time; Now that he's gone, I know that I'm wrong; One more chance to give and that's all I have, left in my heart; I've been through enough to know; When you're sad and when we're falling apart; Give me some time and I will make you mine again.

june.19.22

5:55 am

june.18.22

i met new friend !

june.15.22

:( i just want to roll up in a ball.

june.7.22

ive been trying not to overshare but i just need to vent for a sec. ive noticed ppl r taking longer and longer to reply and their replies r so dry. everyone getting tired of my shit. i really need to get on meds. atp thats the only thing that can save me...... "No face, no name, like Kira. My bitch look just like Misa" brooo those lyrics r so good

june.6.22

im alive i promise.

may.31.22

plz unblock m!

may.30.22

he blocked m. i dont even know what i did this time. i hope we can still get married one day. (after some thinking) ~ i just need to do whats best for m rn. i support him in his decisions and i love him dearly. i hope he will unblock m but i need to learn to be less dependent. this will be good for da bof of us!!

may.29.22

doll just realized that he didnt message m all day today :( that sucks alot.

may.27.22

i am making tons of new friends who think similar to me!!

may.23.22

i am soooo sooo happy :D things r starting to go way better for m!!

may.20.22

includes vent ig ~ today i was feeling so fucking happy. it was da last day of school so i skipped 3 classes wif a friend and it was nice. took a photo shoot in da bathroom and overall i havent been happy at all since m bf broke up wif m. m friend, he makes m happy lol. its hard to describe we just get along so well. i also met a pretty girl today :) we've been messaging a bit and plan to hang out this summer. i dont want to be lonely. thats why ive been dreading da last day of school, i dont want to be alone. i had m bf last summer, but i dont have that anymore. m friend, hes getting his license this month so he can start driving us places! and this girl is genuinely gorgeous and just like m. i love her style and she seems pretty cool. but, ive been sitting in bed crying for a little bit. all these new people r entering m life, but i dont think they can ever replace da comfort and feeling of love he gave m. i really miss him. it sucks, id give anyone up just to get an ounce of anything we had back. im in denial. i mentioned to a teacher i liked coding websites, and she started asking abt m family, i lied so she doesnt know how disfunctional it is. then i just said "m bf is really into computers, he can do like actual coding stuff tho. he knows tons of different languages and is even going to a special college for it!" i knew i was lying. i knew u arent m bf anymore. im really scared ill never get over u. i dont think i ever will. i thought we would get married. i still think we might. am i delusional?? god please. i dont know what to do.

may.18.22

i dont want summer. i only wanted summer so i could spend time wif him. now he isnt here. i dont want a summer alone. pls god i dont want it to ever be summer. :(

may.17.22

yk how u constantly feel numb or sad, and it never really goes away??? its like a cycle. this always happens after i lose someone. i didnt want to lose him but im afraid this was my last chance and i really ruined things.a future that isnt centered around him and our kids is one i dont really want. hes so so amazing and handsome and precious and i fucked it up. im so selfish and disgusting.

may.16.22

this entry is gonna be depressing just a heads up. i kinda just realized how useless i am and that if i cant fix myself ill be alone forever. i have no energy to do anything. my room is the messiest it has ever been, i cry all the time, nothing anyone does seems to change that. im constantly stressed and overwhelmed, i just want to do better.

may.13.22

i miss him. i dont know why this keeps happening.

may.12.22

i love him so much im so scared. i cant live a life wifout him :( i feel awful

may.10.22

icky icky ppl >:/

may.3.22

yesterday was 1 year wif da best most amazing person ever!! schools almost over 2! nervous for summer tho...

apr.24.22

im alive, barely. - to m lovely bf, if u see this goodluck on ur tests <3 i got m phone taken but ill try to message u soon my love!!

apr.19.22

i got testing today >:/

apr.11.22

imma start updating dis more i promiseeee

apr.8.22

makin friends is always fun!!

apr.6.22

i think the icky boy i used to talk to told his friends abt me :/ i always catch them stairin its so awkward.... i started sittin in the lunch room again at m old table and one of the girls is actin like a 4 yo abt it. so what if u dont like me?? stop actin like a baby. LOL u talk shit abt m while im sittin right next to u.

apr.5.22

hope everyones doin good!

mar.31.22

its amazing what u can find out abt ppl when u pay attention ;D

mar.29.22

my bf = heart eye emoji

mar.28.22

HIHIIIIII im deleting alot of m diary entries. some just arent meant for the internet !! also i plan on making major updates soon!

mar.25.22

today is a good day! i decided imma jus put small things goin on in m life on here, an not all of it.

mar.24.22

momma if ur stalking m website please stop. i can take care of myself im an adult next year. ik its hard to hear but i needa do things on my own, everythings gonna work out jus fine. i love u a lot, please dont take this personal :). ur the best mother in the whole wide world!!

mar.23.22

today m am choosing to be happy!! my life is super amazing :D eek mmmmm i dont think i love anyone rn. well accept him but its complicated.

mar.21.22

am a bit woozy...sorry i couldnt journal more on vacation...things in m life r amazin!!!! m also just in good mood...

mar.16.22

things r getting better! dropped mean boy who made me sad!,,, i dont need that in my life just for a glance every once in a while. boowhoo cry abt it u smelly man! its ur loss becuz m an adorably evil little girl @-@

mar.13.22

im in florida. but im not happy. i really, really fucked up. i know i shouldnt care after what i did, i know its hypocritical. but i hate it. i wish i could take everything in this stupid diary back. i am so niave and so cruel. i am disgusting and i dont deserve any of the people who have helped me.

mar.11.22

im going to florida tom, so im not sure if ill be able to update this website for a few days :(!! ily guys tho & ill be back....i think ill get my phone bsck tho!! ily guys sm <3 anyone who actually reads these is amazing <3333

mar.10.22

todays a tired day. i just want a diagnosis already.

mar.9.22

lmao apparently ppl r mad at m for the things i put in here. so sorry!?!?!??! like omg shut up idc!! nothing u say can make m change :D ill only change if i wanna... also i needa pee....ok so later in the day now. i gave myself 2 stick and pokes.

mar.6.22

sorry for not updating yesterday. i stayed up all night watching sex education. then i got in a huge argument w my parent and im very upset.

mar.1.22

today i took the practice ACT! my math needs some work lol..

feb.28.22

sorry abt no entry yesterday :( wasnt feeling myself! im at school rn thoo... OK NOW IM BACK FROM SCHOOL.

feb.26.22

r u happier without me? im sorry, alright? im so sorry. what can i do to fix this? im so sorry.

feb.25.22

another day has gone by. it was alright. i smiled a few times, but i wasnt happy. i had a human geography test. i hate human geography. i was listening to sped up songs while taking it and i jammed out a little. but i got a 46/100 on the test. so jamming out doesnt matter.

feb.24.22

i miss u alot. it feels like i havent talked to u in months but its only been an hour or 2. but that didnt really feel like u. i miss u. the real u. this u i dont recognize. what if this is the real u? what if i turned u into this? what if i did it? what if its my fault? it is isnt it? just tell me it is. i know it is. please, just be honest. i miss ur laugh so much. i miss ur smile and i miss our sarcasm and inside jokes. i miss calling for hours. i miss how cute u look with ur messy hair and glasses. i miss planning our future. i miss everything. nothings going well. ik i say it is but it isnt. im scared. im in denial. im angry. im numb. i dont even know my genuine reaction. who am i? i miss myself. i miss the version of myself that i was with u. its so hard. i havent felt genuine joy in ages. the joy while waiting for u to pick up the phone. the joy after u send me a paragraph. the joy u brought me. but thats gone. i am nothing but numbness and psychotic break downs. i hate the way i treat u. im just so tired. i want u back. ur my whole world. i mean it. im crying. my tears are salty. i am so angry at myself for betraying u. i am a terrible girlfriend. i deserve nothing. im sorry. "deira city centre?" u were listening to it, during our conversation today. i listened to it, and now i have a new song to remind myself of u. well, i dont know "u". i know the boyfriend u. i dont know this new version. id like to get to know u.